Tomorrow marks five weeks since evil descended upon my sleepy little town.  For the first few days and weeks after, the world grieved with us.  But now, talk of conspiracy and accusations that this unbearable tragedy did not happen or did not happen as presented have reared their ugly head and broken my already broken town a little bit more.  20 children are dead.  6 of their teachers made the ultimate sacrifice while protecting our children.  Instead of praising these people and remembering them for the amazing gifts they were, their legacy is now being tainted with accusations of conspiracy.

This is my town.  I saw the hearses make thier way down the street.  I saw my priest, a man who I have nothing but respect for, break down and cry.  I saw the innocence of my beautiful town being striped away.  I know people that know the victims (though I do not personally know any of them). And now these people that have never been to my picturesque corner of the world have to odasity to question it’s legitimacy. How dare you.  How dare you pass judgement for your own personal gain. How dare you question how our first responders handled things.  How dare you insinuate the thousands of people involved here are lying.  How dare you.

My heart breaks for those 26 families who now not only have to live without their loved ones but now must defend their honor and the honor of their town.  What a sad world we live in.  Evil visited Newtown five weeks ago and Newtown won.  Peace and love and generosity have overcome violence and now must overcome ignorance and callousness.

May God bless those lives lost and my little town of Newtown.  May goodness continue to prevail and may those lives lost forever be remembered as the heroes they were.  My wish for these conspiracy theory believers is that they never have to experience first hand what it is like to see your life flipped upside down and exposed in front of the whole world.  God bless Newtown.

Billy, Hope, Rachel and I made our yearly trip to Boston Children’s Hospital on Friday armed with over 600 toys.  What an amazing feeling to be able to give back to the place that gave my daughter more life then anyone thought possible.  We are forever indebted to the staff at CHB.  Each year when we kick off the toy drive, we say 50 toys and we’re happy.  100 toys, we’re thrilled.  We try not to get our hopes up and each year, our friends and family overwhelm us with their genorousity.  Thank you.  From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.  Thank you for remembering Faith and for celebrating her life.  Thank you for loving her and loving us.

As child loss parents, there is very little we can do for our daughter.  We cannot dress her in pretty clothes, we can not buy her new toys.  We will never get to hug her again, never get to kiss her booboos or talk her through her firsts.  Faith will never go to kindergarten, never have a crush, never get married.  The list of what she will never get to do far outnumbers the things she did get to.  The toy drive is the one gift we can give Faith.  We can keep her memory alive, we can remember her.  We can keep on loving her.

So again, we thank you all for supporting us and for remembering Faith.  With over 600 toys, I’d say she certainly made an impact

Newtown, CT is my home.  I’ve lived here the vast majority of my life.  I’ve gone to school here (though not Sandy Hook specifically), lost my daughter here, and now I choose to raise my own family here.  I love this town and everything about it.  The random flagpole in the middle of the road is a source of pride for me.  The view from Castle Hill still takes my breath away.  I love the parade and the tree lighting and just all of it.  I love that we don’t have a McDonald’s and never will.  St. Rose is where I made my sacraments, where I got married, where I celebrated my daughter’s life.  This is my life and now it’s been opened up and exposed to the whole world.

I feel….broken.  My daughter will be gone two years this Saturday and my heart breaks for these parents who are just beginning on this horrific road of life after the death of your child.  In some ways, Faith has been gone forever.  She has two little sisters that she’s never met, her bedroom is no longer hers, she is forever 2 years, 2 months and 22 days old.  She lives on in my heart and the hearts of those who love her and, in so many ways, it’s like she’s still here today.  The pain of losing her is still so raw.  As we’ve entered the month of December (and I must admit I’m also a bit hormonal since Rachel is just barely 3 weeks old), Faith weighs on my mind each and every second of every day.  I am so broken without her.  I’m surviving and loving the life I have with my two little girls but I miss her.  She should be here.  I should have 3 little girls to laugh with and snuggle and play.

The weight of this week has been overwhelming.  My heart breaks for my perfect little town that is hurting so badly, experiencing a pain that I have been living for 726 days.  My heart breaks for myself as I struggle to figure out the right way to commemorate the worst day of my life.  But then, at the same time, my heart is full of pride.  I am proud of my town and how we’ve banded together.  And I’m proud to be Faith’s mom.  I am a survivor and proud of it.

So for those of you wondering what you can do to help, my answer is simple.  Remember us.  Remember the children who have lost their lives and their courageous educators who died protecting them.  As a mother who’s lost a child, I can honestly say nothing means more to me than when people speak Faith’s name or do something to remember her.  Keep sharing Faith and all these new angels that have joined her.  Keep talking about them, keep sharing their stories.  They have all changed the world and I am so blessed to have been a part of this town and a part of Faith’s life.

Celebrate Newtown and the beauty that it encompasses.  Do not let this horrific event define us.  This is MY town, Faith is MY daughter and I could not be luckier.

Faithy,

You’re a big sister again!  Woo hoo!  Rachel Margaret was born Saturday, November 24, 2012 at 4:45 PM.  She was 8 lbs, 12 oz and 20 inches long with a full head of black hair.  Oh, Faithy, she’s perfect.  She’s the perfect mix of you and Hopey.  Mommy can’t believe she’s actually here.  That we actually get to have to two babies at home.  We’ve waited so long for this, to be the parents of two kids at the same time, and I can’t believe it actually happened.  You did it, Faithy, you picked a perfectly healthy, perfectly beautiful little girl to join our family, to be your sister.

Mommy has had a hard time believing this day was going to come.  That we would finally get to have two children to love and care for at the same time.  This pregnancy went by so fast but yet, I don’t think it actually sunk in that baby Rachel was going to come and going to stay and going to be ours until the day she arrived.  Rachel is now 2 weeks old and, though I still can’t believe our luck and fortune, it’s finally starting to sink in.

Mommy misses you terribly, Faithy, and I always will but…I’m happy.  I’ve got two beautiful baby girls who keep me laughing and smiling and remind me so much of you.  You made me who I am and I wouldn’t trade you for the world.  Thank you for delivering another healthy, beautiful sister to us.  We are so lucky to have the three most amazing girls ever. Keep up the good work and maybe if possible, go easy on the snow button this year.

Love you now, always and forever, baby.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Faithy,

Happy birthday, baby!  I hope you got all your beautiful balloons and that you like your birthday bench that Grammy and Grandpa got you!  I can’t believe you should be 4 today.  I can’t even imagine what that would be like.  I look at your cousin Braydon and the other 4 year olds we know and I just know that wouldn’t have been you.  You will always be my baby.

We celebrated your birthday yesterday with our PINK and our family and a few friends.  Last year when we celebrated your life, Grammy and Grandpa decided they would like to get a bench at the church engraved for you for everyone to remember you.  One of mine and Daddy’s concerns when we decided not to bury you was the lack of a permanent marker for you.  We do not ever want you to be forgotten but the idea of you being in a cemetery  all alone….just wasn’t something Mommy’s broken heart could do.  When Grammy and Grandpa said they wanted to get you a bench, it was just perfect.  Your bench was finished a few weeks ago and it’s perfect.  It’s got your name and dates, a little angel picture and “with faith all things are possible”.  This is what we put on all the tags for the toy donations we collect in your name.  Oh, Faithy, the bench….it’s beautiful!  It’s perfect just like you.  We are so incredibly thankful to Grammy and Grandpa for doing this for you and we just know you love it as much as we do.

Father Bob did a beautiful prayer for you and we sent your balloons on their way.  I think you were more impatient this year, you took those balloons right away, no trees in the way this year!

After balloons, we went to dinner to celebrate you and then back to Grammy and Grandpa’s for cake and coffee.  Aunt Christy made you a rainbow of cupcakes, you would have loved it.  We know every rainbow is a gift from you, smiling down on us.

It just feels so weird to celebrate your birthday without you, I remember every detail of your cupcake and bumble bee party and couldn’t wait to do your ham-monster party. Your birthday is so bittersweet for us now.

What would  you like this year?  Would you still love Dora?  Hope is more of a Mickey Mouse girl, would you be the same?  Would you be walking now or would your sister be running circles around you?  We were so blessed to have you and just wish you could have stayed.  I hope your birthday with the angels was more magical and amazing then any party Mommy could ever throw for you.  I hope you’re happy, baby girl, I hope you run and play and watch your shows and snuggle.  I hope you remember me and how much I love you.  You are and always will be Mommy’s special girl.

Happy 2nd birthday in Heaven and 4th in our hearts my sweet little angel.  Keep up the good work watching over us all.  Your newest sister will be joining us in about 8 weeks, please take good care of her and pick out the perfect baby for our already perfect family.

Love you angel.

Love,

Mommy

I am working on getting these links added to the site but in the meantime, for those of you who are new visiting and wondering what was wrong with Faith, here are some links to sites that simply her defects:

Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypoplastic_left_heart_syndrome

Pulmonary Vein Stenosis

http://www.childrenshospital.org/clinicalservices/Site683/mainpageS683P7.html

Faith should be turning 4 on Sunday, September 30th. Instead, she is forever 2 years, 2 months and 22 days old. Help us to remember our little warrior by donating a toy in her honor to benefit the cardiac center at Boston Children’s Hospital. Each time a child has a procedure done, they are able to choose a toy from the toy box. This was something Faith looked forward to each month. For the past two years we have collected toys and have been able to donate well over 800 toys to the children. Toys must be new and can be for any age, boy or girl. We will be collecting from her birthday 9/30 to the day she joined the angels, 12/22. Thank you for helping to keep Faith’s memory alive and bring on the toys!!!!

Toys may be sent to:

10 Farrell Road
Newtown CT 06470

Faith and Hope are going to be big sisters!!!  Woo hoo!!!  We are expecting our latest edition around November 25, 2012 and are even more excited to announce it’s a HEART HEALTHY, everything else healthy, baby GIRL!!!  Poor Daddy, overrun with girls .  We are very excited to be on the road to multiple child world.  Baby has no name yet .

Thank you, sweet Faithy girl, for picking another perfect baby for your mommy and daddy.  We miss you more than we could ever begin to explain but we know you are working hard from the other side to make our lives better.  How we wish you could be here, playing with your sisters, but we know you are always in our hearts and always with us.  Keep us the good work

Dear Hope,

Happy 1st birthday, sweet baby girl!  What an amazing year it’s been.  Daddy and I are so incredibly proud of you and all you have accomplished this year.  All you’ve learned and all you’ve taught us.  Last year, Mommy was so broken.  Your sister was gone not even 6 months and every day was filled with tears.  Mommy couldn’t imagine loving someone as much as I love Faith and I just couldn’t believe that I was actually going to be the mommy of a healthy baby girl.  A baby who was not going to leave me the way Faith had to.  Oh Hopey how you have taught Mommy so much this year!  I love you with all my heart and soul.

Last year, Mommy and Daddy woke up extra early to wait for the call from the hospital to come in to meet you.  We waited.  And waited.  And waited some more until finally the hospital called and we got to go in to meet you.  Once we got there, things moved quickly and you were here.  Mommy couldn’t believe it.  I did it.  You did it.  You were finally here, and perfectly healthy and perfectly ours.  Hopey, you drew us in from the minute you arrived and we were in love.  Gone were any doubts or fears, replaced with nothing but love for you and your sister.

Hopey, you have taught us so much this year.  You have mended our broken hearts in a way that only you could.  Mommy still has a long way to go in healing and dealing with all the loss of Faith but you…you have restored my confidence and are truly teaching me to love again.  What would I do without you?  You are the happiest little girl, always smiling and laughing and talking.  You amaze me each and every day.  I watch you do things with such ease and I’m in awe.  We waited almost 2 1/2 years for your sister to want to walk and she never really did.  You, you want it and pretty soon you’ll have it mastered.  And all the while your momma sits watching in complete and total awe.  People say we should rush wanting you to walk but really, we’ve waited so long in our parenting lives for this moment that I cannot wait.

Even after a whole year of having you, I am still in awe of you.  Your happiness is contagious.  You laugh and you want the world to laugh with you.  You have an amazing sense of humor and just keep us going all the time with your silly antics.  You are so much like your sister but so very much your own person.  You even have started your own version of silly paci, something that thrills your momma through and through.  You are the perfect balance of your sister and your own unique person and I am so proud to call you mine.

Hopey, thank you for all you’ve taught us this year and all you continue to do.  You are an amazing baby (or should we say TODDLER!?!?) and nothing makes me happier than watching you conquer the world.  Mommy loves you so very, very much.  I cannot wait to see what this next year brings us.

I love you, sweet baby girl.

Love,

Mommy

mother’s day 2009:  my first mother’s day with faithy.  she was 8 months old, doing great, and it was a perfect day.
mother’s day 2010:  faith was playful and healthy and happy and amazing.  may to october faith was at the height of her life.
mother’s day 2011:  my little girl is dead.  i’m a mother without a child.  what a horrible, horrible day.
mother’s day 2012:  the sun shines in our world again, hope amazes us in every way.

we had a fantastic day celebrating with our little princess at the Yankee game (even though they lost) but such a huge part of our lives is missing.  Faithy girl, our lives are not the same without you.  It is not my first mother’s day.  that honor belongs to you.  you made me a mommy and your mommy i will always be.
i am the luckiest momma in the world to have held you, loved you, called you mine. you and your sister are my everything, i love you both so much.